My Deranged Ratiocination

Man

myderangedratiocination — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 06:06:16 +0000

Everyone has a type of man that they want. This is not about the type of man that I want, this is about the type of man that I deserve. I deserve:

a man who is not embarrased that I take an extra minute to put on my jacket.
a man who does not think I am annoying because I ask what the weather at is.
a man who does not call me tasteless because I do not like dark chocolate.
a man who does not call me a loser because I enjoy learning.
a man who does not call me stupid because I hate reality television.
a man who will always defend me.
a man who is willing to drive 30 mins to see me even if its just for 2 hours.
a man who would rather talk to me than chat with me.
a man who gives me his undivided attention when we are talking.
a man who respects what I believe.
a man who does not put me down for my opinions.
a man who does not make me regret sharing my feelings.
a man who will support my decisions and motivate me.
a man that I can spend the rest of my life with without ever having to look back.
a man that I can feel proud of and bring into my family.
a man who respects his mind and body as much I do.
a man who has patience.
a man who deals with problems rather than complains about them.
a man who rarely says “I can’t.”
a man who values family and good virtues.

I want to be able to love someone in a way that I have never loved anyone else before. In a serious way, so serious that I would actually pretend to like their taste in music. He is out there somewhere…

Lost Nobody

myderangedratiocination — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:02:27 +0000

Although on the surface it seems as though I am accomplishing so much. I feel as if I am losing myself on the way to the top. I’ve completely forgotten how to live, how to laugh, how to have fun and how to be happy. There is no point in making it to the top if I have no idea who I am. I have heard that Christians believe our body is not really our body but that we are occupying a human form in this realm and learning to live in this world without being a part of this world and that our soul is in fact looking down at our earthly body. I am not a Christian, I do not know if this is true, but I can definitely understand it. I feel as if this life is not my life anymore, I am simply existing in someone else’s morbid life. As far as I can remember, I have friends, I have family, I have a significant other – why is no one helping me live? Can they not see how distraught and weary I have become trying to fight to live outside of my imagination? I am tired of being dissatisfied with my life, my existence and everyone who claims to love me. I used to be happy, a long time ago, but there used to happiness. I used to be somebody, I used to know who I was. I need to find the key to my soul again.

Ungrateful Bitches

myderangedratiocination — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:21:26 +0000

Someone once told me that people get upset over more things as they get older because they get more sensitive. Well, I think that is just a load of bullshit. I am still as, or maybe even less, sensitive as I was 10 years ago yet I seem to get angry at everything. I think I’m just getting smarter and realizing that everyone are filthy, ungrateful, liars. And that justs disgusts me.

So, I recently saved someone from bleeding to death all alone in a dark room. And how do I get thanked for it? Apparently, I get accused of plotting to kill this person and cursing up a storm because it didn’t work. Um, hello – let’s think about that; if I was supposedly plotting to kill you, why the hell would I come and save you? So now my name is being tarnished as an attempted murderer. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have left him right there to bleed to death. I know from now on they’re going to stay out of my way because, if I ever do see them again, I will make sure to push them down a flight of stairs. Hey, if I’m going to get accused of murder, I might as well do it and have something to feel bad about. Although, I probably wouldn’t feel bad about this.

I am done playing nice girl. I was voted most friendliest, everyone says I’m the nicest person they’ve ever met and that I don’t have a single mean bone in my body. Well, all that is over. I’m done being trampled on, watch out bitches. I’m ready, rowdy and about to blow up spots.

My Dear Blog

myderangedratiocination — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 03:24:38 +0000

I am happy when I am stressed, I am depressed when I am relaxed.

Phenomena? No.

My Dear Blog, I will tell you why this is so. When I am stressed, my mind is busy, my emotions are not concerned about what is happening around me. When I am relaxed, my mind is idle and my emotions have the freedom to jump around as often as they want. Should this not be a good omen to relax? Not if you have nothing to look forward to. I recently realized why I was going through this. It suddenly dawned on me, I have no one to talk to. Now, it’s not like I have no friends; I have too many friends to count and family up the wazoo. I have people I do different activities with, for example; I have certain people I go shopping with, certain people I go out to eat with, certain people I go to the gym with, certain people I go to the movies with, etcetra. Yet, I have no one I can really share my thoughts, emotions, fears and problems with. The closest thing to a person I have is this blog. I love this blog because it can never talk back to me, tell me I’m overreacting or stupid. I can write what I want and think what I want. But sometimes this blog is not enough, I want to talk to a person I can relate with – and not talk to myself in cyberspace.

Well, until the day I find someone patient and willing enough to listen to me, I will continue to emerse myself in college. For the last few years, college has been the only thing getting me by and keeping me sane.

Good Night Dear Blog.

The One That Got Away

myderangedratiocination — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:08:55 +0000

Not a moment passes by when I don’t wonder, how would my life be if things were different? It is only when I remember you that I feel as if I have made the biggest mistake of my life – letting go. Maybe if I fought harder, endured more, displayed my faithfulness repeatedly… just maybe. But maybe that too would not have mattered for your heart was strong enough to withstand earth shattering emotions.

I’ve searched high and low for someone who comes even a percentile close. No luck as yet my love, for you will always have an immovable place in my heart. To you, no one stands as tall, no one is as sincere, no one is as patient and no one is as selfless because to me my angel, you are beyond all.

Perhaps I deserve my fate and I am destined to be trapped in a life searching for happiness. But see my dear, my happiness lies with you and so without you I may never be happy. For being unable to realize God had given me life’s most precious gift, my penance is to never share my sorrow. Because to the world, I am not pained, I am jubilant.

Hoping my sweet, that I will once again find my happiness; that I will find the voice which comforts me; that I will once again be filled with love, treated with respect and be the center of your universe. Until then, you will remain as the one that got away.

Is it love?

myderangedratiocination — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:40:12 +0000

Imagine everyday to be…

Holding my tongue, biting my cheek, thinking three, four, five times before anything escapes my mouth.

Sharing my thoughts and feelings only to have it blown out of proportion and it all comes crashing down.

Devoting all my heart, time and energy to feel my heart getting heavy and realizing it was all a waste.

Feeling a tingle in my finger tips and tears running down my cheeks every night, wondering if I deserve better.

Asking God every day to help me find the right path and praying, wishing and waiting for a miracle.

Is it love?

Dedication to Michael Jackson

myderangedratiocination — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:38:35 +0000

Words cannot begin to express how I feel at this moment.

It began with a rumor, disbelief, thoughts of immortality, devastation, distraughtness, delusion and ultimately depression. Michael Jackson, the King of Pop has died. But wait, did I hear that correctly? I mean, it is Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson does not, will not and can never die. Michael Jackson is indestructable. This is a lie. Little did I know, my happy bubble was soon about to burst. I entered my vehicle and “Beat It” began to play. Coincidence? I decided that if another Michael Jackson song comes on immediately after, something was wrong. Unfortunately, “Black or White” played immediately after. My heart sank at that very moment. This is true isn’t it? I spent the next 3 hours sitting in my vehicle listening to Michael Jackson songs play back to back on the radio and fans calling in to express their grief. Then it hit me, Michael Jackson is really gone. MY Michael is gone.

Everyone has their own opinion about Michael Jackson. They either love him or they don’t. If you don’t love Michael, that is your own problem. You’re missing out on a lot. Michael was the truth, the greatest musician, dancer, singer. He was an innovator not only of his time but for decades to follow. His album Thriller was released and 1983 and was the biggest selling album of its time and even to date in 2009, 26 years later, Thriller still remains the best selling album in music history.

I always thought Michael Jackson would live forever, I envsioned my children growing up to Michael Jackson the way I did. How strange a few weeks ago, I told myself, “wow Michael is back, I want to go to his concert when he comes to NY.” I could not wait to my idol, the man who I grew up with, the man who inspired me. Although I did not know Michael personally, he made the biggest impact in my life that no one will ever understand. Michael was around before I was even born in 1989. So when I say I grew up with him – that is no joke. I heard his songs from the day my parents brought me home from the hospital. My dad and my brother were huge fans. I never liked to watch Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon, I killed to watch mTv and Vh1 even though I had no idea what the names meant. I just wanted to watch the dancing guy with the shiny jacket and white socks. I loved him, I wanted to meet him and ask him, “How are you so light on your feet? How do you move like that? How are you so amazing?” Because of Michael Jackson, I fell in love with music. I smothered my life with music from a young age. He was always a significant figure in my life and with every new song that came out I felt more and more connected to him. I was so mentally absorbed with music, I wanted to learn and know everything. I wanted to be an entertainer too. I learned how to play four instruments, I sang, I enrolled in Performing Arts, I encompassed my life with music because of Michael. Through this, I learned patience. I am good at what I do but I was not always good. I would mess up, cry, get frustrated and I wanted to quit, but I didn’t. I stuck it out and learned and practiced and always tried to be the best I could be. At that time in my life, no one in my family was a musician nor was there any other significant artist who I could look to for motivation and inspiration but Michael. I also learned to form my own opinions. With all the news and frenzy going on, people tend to forget to think for themselves and listen to everyone elses thoughts. When all the allegations of child molestation was brought up, many people believed it due to the media. However, I stood my morals and convictions – Michael Jackson is innocent. Michael was the greatest humanitarian of his time, he is rich, successful and talented; people are just jealous and really need to get a life and leave the man alone. Michael still remained sweet and classy through the whole ordeal.

Regaurdless of what ignorant, petty and jealous people may say, Michael Jackson is a legend, he is the best thing to have ever happened and I am so grateful that I could live through his journey. The world has suffered a great loss and there is no competition because no one can ever reach the level Michael has left – not even in their dreams.

To Michael Jackson, the best entertainer of my life, you will never be topped. Thank you for touching my life and making such a huge impact on my life and who I am as a person. I wish our journey together did not have to end so soon. Now you are in a better place with no more suffering, no evil people and just pure happiness. I hope you are teaching God the moonwalk. I love you and I will always miss you.

“The greatest education in the world is watching the masters at work” – Michael Jackson

Fucitol

myderangedratiocination — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 14:41:55 +0000

It’s just whatever.

Wondering why I can’t peacefully enjoy a day that is mine. Wondering why everything must be so full of drama and wreckless.

I’m so overwhelmed by emotions - I cannot construct a decent blog.

Tired. Sorry.

A Toast to the Past, Present and Future

myderangedratiocination — Fri, 15 May 2009 03:22:04 +0000

Here’s to always putting myself last, being considerate of other people’s feeings, hesisitating to speak my opinion, showing respectfulness when it is not shown to me, and having to change MYSELF to accomodate others. I have sacrificed a lot and settled for less than I deserved for way to long.

It’s time to live MY life. It’s time to chase MY dreams and do what makes me happy. I deserve to be happy. For such a long time, I strongly believed that I could never be happy on my own and I always needed someone there to make me happy. I am thankful that I have finally realized that no one can make me happy like the way I make myself happy. I am the key to my own happiness.

I have learned to say no. I have learned to put myself first. I see a great future ahead of me but before I get there I have so much more to learn and accomplish and I more than thrilled to do anything to get there. I am very excited…

“Expect nothing, but know that great things lie ahead for you.” - Paul Wilson

How I wish…

myderangedratiocination — Wed, 13 May 2009 11:17:38 +0000

How I wish you could see the person I have become. I am no longer that frivolous little girl you first met; instead, I have become that woman you never thought I could be. I did grow up and learned to appreciate the things that I loathed so greatly. I do understand what is important in life at this moment. I put all my faith, time and energy into anything I attempt to do and I always finish whole heartedly.

How I wish you could know how it disgusts me to miss you. Everywhere I go, I search for you. Everything I do, I think of you. I do not even know where on this planet you are anymore, but you will always be near to me, you are a part of me whether I like it or not.

How I wish you could feel the pain I go through everyday. We made a promise. It kills me to think of how we could break such a promise. Everyone thought we were perfect; but little did know what went on behind closed doors. Because of you, I struggle to be happy. I am afraid to believe in luck, love and happiness.

How I wish I could forget you…